Geeks always get it, the dumb questions. The bland ones. The questions that don’t scratch beneath the surface? Who’s your favorite superhero? DC or Marvel? If you could have a superpower…
Wait, let’s delve in with that one, but with a twist. Becky asked the community, if you could have one mundane/useless power what would it be? And the community delivered.
All right everyone! Game time!
If you could have one mundane/useless superpower what would it be?
I'd be able to instantaneously fill toilet paper rolls w/a snap. Or, and maybe a bit less useless, I'd love to be able to mess with people by flashing my eyes red (@PrairiePhlox) pic.twitter.com/NJkLtLNAYV
— Do You Even Comic Book? (@DoYouEvenComic) April 12, 2018
Honestly, that toilet paper thing would be incredibly useful for me. I don’t know if the stylists in my salon do this to me on purpose, because their husbands can’t change a roll at home, but I fly into a blind rage every time I see that empty cardboard tube.
I would have the music in my head play out loud wherever I go.
— Bitch Princess Secra #ComiCoven #CoulsonLives (@secra_xp) April 12, 2018
Being a walking boombox, while certainly not useful in any practical sense, would still be pretty cool. Carolyn says she would make her entrance theme Glitter and Gold by Barns Courtney. That’s probably better than any song choices I would have made. I would probably just annoy everyone with folk punk.
— SuperSuit Show (@SuperSuitShow) April 12, 2018
This sparked a discussion about gamers and Magic: The Gathering pro qualifier tournaments which, while being a negative stereotype of the communities in question, isn’t…exactly untrue.
The ability to edit Twitter, I WOULD BE AS UNTO A GOD!!!!
— CunningSmile (@CunningSmi1e) April 12, 2018
This would shake the very fabric of the Twitter landscape. Though, it wouldn’t be terribly fair to allow users to constantly walk back and change statements, thereby altering the context of replies to them. I suppose some men just want to watch the world burn.
Can I have the ability to fight allergies? Right now that would be nice.
— Hipster Chewie (@Echo7Solo) April 12, 2018
Fun fact: Did you know that infecting yourself with hookworms can cure your allergy symptoms? On their parasites episode, RadioLab introduced its listeners to Jasper Lawrence, who had discovered the remedy to his suffering in an unlikely place. In the update linked above RadioLab caught back up with Jasper to discover that, unsurprisingly, he’d had a visit from the FDA. So don’t expect to be ordering hookworms for yourself anytime soon. If you were comfortable with the idea of buying hookworms on the internet and injecting them into your body, that is. I wouldn’t. My allergies are pretty minor, though.
Self grooming. Never have to shower, shave, or comb my hair. My eyes just glow and boom! Ready for the day!
— Marvel Universe MMO (@marvel_mmo) April 12, 2018
Pfft. Like most of us guys do much grooming in the first place. This would probably be a more useful power for the ladies. Trust me on this one, I’m a hair stylist. I see all the stuff they do, and it makes me thankful every day to be a dude.
The power to UN-caps all the text I've accidentally written in capslock by simply highlighting all the text and pressing capslock again…
— Dillon Gilbertson (@DillGilbertson) April 12, 2018
MY GOD, THIS WOULD BE REVOLUTIONARY. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU SAT DOWN TO WRITE A…OH, NO…I’M DOING IT NOW, AREN’T I? HELP.
I would be happy if I could repel insects, I guess.
— Ghosts of the Stratosphere (@gotstratosphere) April 12, 2018
This doesn’t feel useless or mundane at all. Maybe its because I’m an outdoors-y person, but being a walking can of Off! spray would be great for camping excursions, or even just when I’m in the backyard pickin’ on my git-fiddle. Mosquitoes can be pretty rough, here in Tennessee.
I'd have vision that was 150% of human normal in both clarity and color perception.
NO GLASSES FOR _ME_.
— Punning Pundit: Reign of Frogs (@punningpundit) April 12, 2018
I feel your pain, Pun. I’m MEGA near-sighted AND I’ve got astigmatism. People don’t know the terror of waking up in the middle of the night, and not being able to find your glasses. That’s a panic attack, right there. Plus, I’m always having to look over my glasses to read my phone.
I could just get lasik eye surgery?
I would love to be able to change my hair at will. Make it longer or shorter, change the cut, change the color, etc. I like variety!
— T'Challah The Kosher Panther (@ChecKtheCircuiT) April 12, 2018
Circuit over here, trying to put me out of a job. I charge a lot of money for that kinda thing. I suppose that really only strengthens his argument, though.
Never feel hungry ever again.
— BLACK PANTHER IS FUCKING AMAZING (@koushik7496) April 12, 2018
Would you still eat, though? Would you know when to stop if you did? This raises so many extra questions, it deserves an article all its own.
I say the ability to never accidentally hurt myself anymore. No more stubbed toes, paper cuts, or banged elbows.
Wife says the ability to unsend emails and texts.
— Bamfing Bob (@bamfingbob) April 12, 2018
Being the heavy drinker I am, I know the pain of mysterious bruises and lacerations all too well. Just imagine if I had the power to avoid that, while drunk? I would be impervious to injuries, and also a reckless madman. This one has my vote.
the ability to thaw frozen meat instantly. For when its time to cook dinner and all we have is frozen chicken/beef/pork.
— The Good Tweeter (@ZachAmes) April 12, 2018
If you’re going this route, why not just go all the way, and have it cook instantly? I’ve been waiting on that Jetsons-style instant-food tech, since I was a child. Push-button chicken alfredo, anybody?
The ability to generate bottomless cups of coffee.
— Collier C. Jennings (@CJWritesThings) April 12, 2018
I drink too much coffee as it is. This is just asking for trouble.
What’s your mundane superpower? Join the conversation on Twitter by following our hashtag #DoYouEvenComicBook, and remember: no superpower is useless, when you really start to think about it. Just ask Arm Fall Off Boy.
The featured image for this post is by Andreas Englund. Find more of his work here
Dexter Buschetelli thinks he is really clever, but you know better; don’t you? Do you? I dunno, I’m not your mom. Dexter can be found here on DYECB writing reviews and opinion pieces as well as on the website for his podcast, Let’s Get Drunk and Talk Comics.